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The very best in humorous scripts and sketches.

Probably the funniest free scripts on the internet!

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Humorous Free Scripts: The small print. Most of the scripts on this website are copyright of Douglas Brown and Stuart Macfarlane. Those marked - Stuart Macfarlane / Doug Brown are available for free use but ONLY with the written permission of the authors. These sketches and scripts can be by schools, colleges and amateur theatre groups for most purposes and may be modified to suit your needs. To use any of these free scripts first contact scripts(@)humorous-free-scripts.com (Removing the brackets of course!) NOTE: Famous scripts such as Monty Pythons, Superman, Romeo and Juliet we do NOT own copyright to - these are here as examples of great scripts.
Scripts Writers: We are getting regular requests for scripts so would like to open up this site to other writers. If you have a humorous script of length 5 minutes - 30 minutes and would like to see it published here and used by schools, colleges and amateur theatre groups please send to scripts(@)humorous-free-scripts.com : We will shortly be producing an eBook of scripts which will be available worldwide through Amazon and are looking for entries to include in that.

 

CHRISTMAS NATIVITY - ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS NATIVITY PLAY - CLEAN VERSION


 

 

Headline: Alexander will learn within days if she faces police inquiry over illegal donation

WENDY Alexander will find out within days whether she will face a police investigation into the illegal donation to her campaign fund, it emerged last night.

It is understood the Electoral Commission will make a decision soon. A spokeswoman said officials were "seeking clarification" from Ms Alexander's team about donations. When that process is completed, the commission will then decide on how to proceed. The Scotsman: Thursday, 6th December 2007

 Script:

Wendy in Neverland

By Doug Brown

Eternal Boy: I dream of a land where children never grow up but instead become politicians; Where there are no schools, at least no primary schools with nursery classes of larger than 18; A land where no one gets sick, and if they do they do, their medicines are paid for; Of a land where no one commits a crime because of heartfelt sympathy towards an ageing police force, armed only with truncheons, Kevlar vests and zimmers with blue lights.

Wendy: It sound like a really nice place.

Eternal Boy: This is a place where nurses and policemen get their pay deals sorted; A place where there is nothing to fear except the ticking of a clock.

Wendy: Is that what Neverland is like Peter?

Eternal Boy:  No not Neverland, Wendy, and I am Alex! Not Peter?  Surely as the leader of the opposition you must recognise your First Minister?

Wendy: Soooh! If it’s not Neverland (pause) you must be thinking about (pause) Scotland?

Alex: Aye Wendy!  An’ the clock is ticking! 


Headline: £1bn golfing resort is still 'alive' after ministers call in Trump plan

SCOTTISH ministers last night took the unprecedented step of calling in Donald Trump's planning application for a £1 billion golf resort, without an appeal having been made. In a decision described by one planning expert as "very odd", the controversial scheme will now be examined by the Scottish Government, despite last week being rejected by Aberdeenshire councillors.
Ministers could overturn the local authority's decision, uphold it, or appoint a reporter and hold a public inquiry into the Trump Organization's proposals. The move will raise questions about whether the integrity of the democratic planning process has been compromised.

www.scotsman.com
Date: 6 December 2007

 

Script:

Play yer Cerds Right
by Doug Brown

MALCY Wullie. Whits ra difference tween a democracy oan a dictatorship?
WULLIE Dictatorships dinny listen tae us yins, cause wes jist gets telt, anat.
MALCY Aye an wi democraphies we gets tae elect cooncillors an yon Members o’ ra Scottish Parliament..
WULLIE Aye, like playing cerds an golf!
MALCY How d’ya work rat oot, Wullie?
WULLIE When yer playing golf yer want tae win! Right!
MALCY Aye but Ah don’t see whit golf an cerds uv tae dae wi it?
WULLIE Well, first ye elect a Scottish First Minister an ren alang comes ra Yanks to build a multimillion dollar golf club in Aberdeen and mess up awe yon conservency your vocational stuff.
MALCY An yer point is?
WULLIE So ra locals don’t want it dae rae? So rae democraphically say,
“Ye’r not oan! Away’n bugger up yer oan backyerd! If yeas’ve oany left tae bugger up?”
MALCY Aye an yer Plannin department run by yer elected cooncilors turn it doon cause o’ ra public ootcry.
WULLIE Aye, rats when the Scottish Government steps in tae play cerds , Malcy.
MALCY Cerds?
WULLIE Ave yer no heard. Them duly elected Scot Nats are set tae reverse the Planner’s decision an could let it go aheed. Yon Swinny block jist played is TRUMP cerd.
TOGETHER Bluddy Dictatorship!
 


Headline: UK teacher jailed over teddy row
A British teacher has been found guilty in Sudan of insulting religion after she allowed her primary school class to name a teddy bear Muhammad.
Gillian Gibbons, 54, from Liverpool, has been sentenced to 15 days in prison and will then be deported.
She escaped conviction for inciting hatred and showing contempt for religious beliefs, and will now appeal.
Foreign Secretary David Miliband has expressed "in the strongest terms" the UK's concern at her detention.

 

Source: BBC.co.uk

Date: 30 November 2007

 

Script:

Helen: Where you been Betty - I haven't seen you for weeks.

Betty: I've been in the jail, so I have.

Helen: Jail?

Betty: Yeah - four weeks in the bloody jail.

Helen: Your kidding!

Betty: No - some people got annoyed at the name I gave my baby.

Helen: Away! Did you call him Muhammad and get those Mosklims annoyed.

Betty: No - I know better than to call him Muhammad.

Helen: Well did you call him Jesus and get the Pope all upset?

Betty: Don't be stupid!

Helen:  Was it Abraham? Did you go and upset all your Jewish friends.

Betty:  No! I wouldn't do that.

Helen:  Well what did you call the wee soul then?

Betty:  Inra . . . Inra-Cludgie

Helen:  Inra! - Who did that offend - Church of Scotland? Hindus? Buddhists? Sikhs? Chinese Universists? Scientologists?

Betty:  No! I didn't offend any religious groups.

Helen:  So why did you get bunged up in prison for calling the baby Inra?

Betty:  Cos it's such a shite name.

Helen:  True . . . good point.

 


Headline: WASHINGTON -- U.S. policy on global warming seems headed for a tipping point, with politicians, business leaders and economists joining environmentalists to call for new laws to limit greenhouse gases that spur climate change.  President George W. Bush's fleeting mention of the problem in his State of the Union address last month was seen as significant, even as he stressed alternative fuels and new technologies -- not legal limits on emissions -- as solutions. 

Source: /www.topix.net/city/washington-dc

Date: 20 February 2007

 

Script:

President George Bush (talking to Senate): Y’now those folks said that they was concerned over global warming.  An you know I’m getting a touch concerned that I have to be seen to make a move.

Senate member:  Who are “those folks” Mr President?

Bush: Y’no those enono-mat-isists and them environ o mentalists callin’ for new laws to reduce greenhouse missions an gen’rally reduce CO2 polution!

Senate: So - what do you intend to do, Mr President?

Bush: Well I’m goin’ to start by making a big impact on the problem by levying a greenhouse ermissions tax.

Senate: (very seriously) But the US industry will be the hardest hit by increased fuel taxation and the backlash from the private motorist levy could have serious repercussions!!

Bush: How will the US Industry and the private mot’rists be hit? We will target suburban greenhouses and apply a farting tax to cattle ranches.

Senate: (heads in hands) Sigh!

 

Political / News Comedy Scripts
 ALTERNATIVE JACK AND THE BEANSTALK  ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS NATIVITY PLAY
   ALTERNATIVE CHRISTMAS NATIVITY PLAY - CLEAN VERSION
Under a cloud of suspicion  King of Clubs - Donald Trump
 Donald Trump's golf resort  UK teacher jailed over teddy row
  Independent Scotland  Soggy Slogan
 Hollywood actresses go for Oscars  Cannabis
 Insurance Claim Injury on the Queen Mary 2
 Criminal Injury Payments J. K. Bowring, gets Writers-Block!
 Non-Smokers  Life Insurance
 Where's ya bin?!  The Terracotta Army
 Wendy in Neverland    Wendy in Neverland - Part 2
 Global warming  
Scottish / British Comedy Scripts
The Pompous-Gits’ Den Board ’n Lodgins
Monkland Accident & Emergency A case of mistaken identity
Class Test Mud or flames
Queen Visits Kelvingrove Art Gallery Asda
Footie Crime in Glasgow
House Prices No fee no win
News Nedlines ASBO
Away'n dae summin useful Bins R Us
The CockCam Doctor. Scrubbers and Bangers
Fire Hydrant Muslim veils
There's no flies oan them ASBO Babies
Anything You Khan Do! Rest your weary ash
A more secret society  Job well done
Other Scripts
School Run Abbott and Costello radio broadcasts - 1
Abbott and Costello radio broadcasts - 2 Abbott and Costello radio broadcasts - 2

Recent Scripts:

HOUSE PRICES - Stuart Macfarlane

WILLIE:                                   Hey Rab, did ye see thit hoose prices in Scotland huv  risen anither 10 pur cent?

 RAB:                                       Jings. Dae ye recon thit ma hoose hus gone up too?

 WILLIE:                                   Naw - ah don’t know thit there’s much demand fur accommodation under ra Kingstone Bridge.

 RAB:                                       Fair point there.

 WILLIE:                                   But see if ye wur tae take yer cardboard box an’ relocate it tae Bearsden it wud be wurth a wee fortune.

 RAB:                                       Aye, yer right there – but see it wid be wan hell o’ a distance tae humph ma Big Issues in ra mornin’.

                                                  Naw am  jist is happy stayin’ where Ah um.

 NO FEE NO WIN - Douglas Brown

PRESENTER:                       Have you been involved in a personal accident within the last six weeks which was not totally utterly completely your own fault, and which may have caused you pain and suffering, rendered you hospitalised, or inconvenienced you in some exceedingly minor way?

Then, you may be due valuable compensation on a ‘no fee, no win’ basis. Yes with our ‘no fee, no win’ claims we . . . er . . . rather you can get loads of easy money for doing absolutely nothing.

Here is a testimonial from one of our recent very satisfied customers, Miss Fortune:

MISS FORTUNE:                  I was walking through the reception area of my work place, as I normally do every morning, when a pool of extremely slimy, soapy water was suddenly sloshed at my feet.  Anyway, I slipped and fell down hard on this mop bucket, which I’m sure wasn’t there when I came in.

FX:                                                      PRESENTER COUGHS NERVOUSLY

MISS FORTUNE:                  Then when I tried to get up, how can I explain this, it was almost as if I was being smacked on the face.  Well, after that, what with my glasses being on the floor, everything became a bit of a blur. Then just as I managed to get onto my feet a shadow loomed over me and my spectacles shattered underfoot, although I don’t recall them being under my foot.

                                                            (PAUSE)

MISS FORTUNE:                  I thought that my misfortune was over – but I was wrong.   As I pulled myself up I must have kicked over the mop bucket, because that was then it hit me - the mop handle, that is.  It seemed to take on a life of it’s own repeatedly striking me, breaking my nose, cracking my ribs, splitting two of my perfectly manicured nails and completely destroying my Louis Vuitton handbag.

                                                            (PAUSE)

I don’t know what I would have done had it not been for that nice man. You know, the one who does all those, ‘no fee no win’ accident claims adverts.  Imagine him being there at that precise time to help.  Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather.  And believe it or not a feather came from nowhere and hit me on the face.

I got such a surprise I swung away fracturing my skull on what felt like a baseball bat.

I got such a surprise I swung away fracturing my skull on a wall.

I got such a surprise I swung away fracturing my skull on a foot that I’m sure wasn’t there when I came in.

I got such a shock I immediately suffered a heart attack.

 (PAUSE)

But, as it turned out, this really was my lucky day. For if it hadn’t been for my accident I would never have met that nice man from Accident Creations.

PRESENTER:           Yes. Accident Creations won Miss Fortune’s case providing her with a cheque for £14,750, enabling convalescence at one of our National Accident Creations nursing homes in relative luxury for four weeks. And even now that she’s back in her own home we still look after her. In fact our after-care-specialist visits her every Friday to check that she is all right and, of course, to collect the massive instalments on her fees.

So don’t wait for that accident to happen to you. Call the National Accident Creations Helpline and make it happen today.  We’ll help you get rich with a customised personal injury. And remember we provide a unique ‘no fee – no win’ claim service – so we never lose out when you have that little misfortune.

            END

 

 
 
 
 

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